Always Keep the Faith

Love and Hope

2010-02-07T18:22:00.006+01:00

In the end it's always Love and Hope who come to save you~ ^^

DBSK - Love in the Ice (instrumental)

Yann Tiersen - La Chute

Don't want to lose you

2010-02-06T22:08:00.010+01:00

You’re not here now, you are asleep.

Embraced by indigo night, gone to a faraway land of shining stars, pure smiles and happiness all hided under white fluffy clouds – I hope you’re sleeping tight. I hope the sleep took you far away from here, somewhere where problems, misery and difficulties can’t reach you. That you’re somewhere safe and happy. You are asleep – of course, otherwise I wouldn’t dare to say following for I am too ashamed of myself. I am too ashamed of my thoughts and of those tears that seem to be coming and coming and never stopping, blurring my view but clearing my heart. I am exhausted, my world spinning with me for I have cried too much already. I feel dizzy but I know I won’t faint because that would mean a blessing for my soul, for my mind, for my trembling lips and would stop me from writing this... and such blessing I don’t even hope to receive because life is not as sweet as fairytales claim it to be. What happened? That’s the thing – nothing really happened. You went offline and I did mine, I read some fanfics and watched some vids and then I started watching a movie on Youtube but in the middle of it I had to pause it for it to load itself and because naturally that takes time I went to our blog to check if by any chance anyone wrote a comment under your fic since you have mentioned you have posted the link on FB. And indeed there was plus one comment. Someone other than me. I was so happy to see that someone found the time to read your work and then decided to share his/her opinion of it because you deserve attention and deserve comments, be it praises or advices on how to improve. I was so happy and I just had to smile when I saw it was actually N. who have posted the comment, N. whose comment will make you happy and touched because it’s one of your friends, a girl you have take a liking to. I read the comment and... it was touching. The comment was touching and had... I don’t know... „mature“ feel to it? With one comment, she, N. showed her love for you in all her honesty and I don’t know... it touched me. She wrote down all the same feelings I have felt through the fic, they were the very same feelings but it sounded so different – I felt so childish at the moment. My comment right above N.'s was so childish and suddenly all comments, all sentences and words of mine that were meant for you and dedicated to you were so childish. And indeed, I am still a mere child but... it pierced me and I wasn’t really prepared. Looking at N.’s comment... at that moment I heard a voice speaking to me quietly: „You are going to lose her.“ Lose her? How can I lose you when you don’t even belong to me. You are not a thing to be owned in the first place. So why my heart was struck and the first tear fell down. The feeling you will leave me one day took over me. The feeling being too overwhelming, I couldn’t stop and cried and cried and cried, not able to breathe properly I sobbed like crazy. But why was the feeling so... not new. Like it was always there somewhere hided and even though I was aware of it’s presence, I never really payed attention to it. Like I always knew there is no reason for you to be with me. To stay with me. People may call me silly, stupid, nuts, dumb, even insane comes to mind but hah – those people should be honest to themselves, what’s so silly and stupid about it? Today you said that it’s the „opposite attraction“ that glues us together but that’s how it always starts and how it never ends. „Opposite“ always loses to „similar“. Just take a look at Yunho, there were days when it was as clear as blue sky in summer that his best friend is Jaejoong but how years pass – Jaejoong „lost“ to Changmin. Jaejoong and Yunho are opposites. Yunho and Changmin – a lot alike. You and me – opposites. You and N. = ...YH and CM. N. – I got to know her and I am very glad I had the opportunity to meet her. She is a real sweetie. She is very kind and intelligent, she is lovely but serious and polite at the same time. She is a reasonable girl, studies hard. She is really lovable. Haha, amiable just came to me. Yes, amiable much. She is exactly the type of girl you are supposed to take a liking to, very different from me. You can really talk with her, talk as in talk. Discuss serious things but joke around too. I love her very much and I know you do too. But seeing how great, truly, she is... who am I? what am I? I am just selfish and useless. I am unable to cheer you up, unable to help you when you are facing difficulties. I am unable to express the greatness of your work but at the same time unable to think about a way for you to improve even more for I am too filled with raw emotions only. I’m a really laughable matter and I don’t really deserve your precious time, the tiny place in your heart. And I know and expect you to realize it one day too. That will be the day you will leave me behind on your way higher, higher, higher... until you will be able to touch the stars. And that will be the right thing for you to do. So why I can’t help it but but scream until my voice (and heart) cracks: „Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me. I don’t want to lose you.“ I don’t want to lose you, my shining star, my friend, my hope. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose you.

Black cat

2010-02-04T16:54:00.007+01:00

Today returning home from school a black cat crossed my way. I ran...
.
.
.
...after her for she was way too cute to not be stroked.
("Kitty, kittieeeeeeee~~♥") :D ^^

Today only raw information are to be given because I can't really stay here for too long - homework to do plus some other self duties. ;D I have to read. I promised to work hard so I have to suppress my laziness and my great lack of concentration for reading books at home and just read. Oh yep, forgot to mention, it's Jane Austen's Emma. It's my first book by Jane Austen and I wished it to be Pride and Prejudice actually but I found myself enjoying it nevertheless. ^^ From the list of seven books that I have to read as quickly as possible I chose this one because the fact that I borrowed it in English makes me want to read it and even though it may not have been very wise to start with this one since I am running out of time I thought about it differently - I should start with something promising and something that could be entertaining - if not the book itself then at least the charming fact it's English language, haha. :D ^^
I went through examination in geography and physics today. Both of them were unexpected therefore I wasn't prepared at all but in geography I was asked about soil sphere about which I remember almost everything. As for physics... surprisingly easy. Haha, I am getting this feeling I am doing a big deal of physics for nothing, just paying attention in lessons would be enough lol. ;D I started to pay attention in all subjects actually. Because I have a motivation, someone to support me, praise me and scold me, because I have Linhieee, sure I can do it. I even started enjoying geogrpahy and suddenly a sympathy for the teacher teaching me it came out of nowhere too. :D ^^ Brighter tommorow coming, maybe? ^^
Oh, what I was getting at... I got A in both. ^^
And then... there aren't that many things that happened. :) I fell again on my way to school but didn't injure myself this time, got out of it with just my jeans being brown instead of blue. ^^;;;; (A/N: Right in the middle of this sentence I got up and went to wash them. My jeans are blue (and wet) again. And Shelly, poor her, is gone. (A/N2: Shelly is a name of that brown spot on my jeans. As for why I name things such as stains on cloths, please don't stop, don't think and don't ask about it. ^^... ^^;) )
Another thing I would like to write down here - I am watching Hetalia these days. It is HILARIOUS but awww... so cuteeeeee xD ♥ Right now at this moment I am listening (^^; xD) to episode 38, I am reaching an end soon. ;__; But it's still ongoing so nothing to be sad or depressed about. ^^ ♥ I love it very much, hihihi. ;D ^^
Ummm, I don't get to talk with Linhieee much these days but I was able to read the fourth chapter of A chance of sunshine today~ ! ^^ Chapter 3 still remains my favourite one but I still liked it very much. Yunnie was blushing really hard and JJ was... you know, JJ. JJ = random, funny, weird, adorable. ;DD xD ♥ the only thing that didn't delight me much was that Yunnie was a tiny bit harsh to Jaelove. What's even worse, it seemed so real - the harshness I mean. ;__; JaeJae, I feel with you and support you, be strong and don't give up on your love just yet~ ! ♥ xDDDDDDDDDDDDD

(Umm... something definitely definitely DEFINITELY wrong with me. Bringing up "wrong" and "weird"... I finished the Tae/Woo vid. Finish = render and sub. How should I put it... uh, words are meaningless here, just watch, lol. The vid speaks for itself. xD)

Okie, off to studies. I want it done as soon as possible because I am starting to feel dangerously sleepy. >< ^^ Lots and lots of love~ ^^

always keep the faith ♥

Realizations

2010-02-02T20:28:00.011+01:00

It's amazing how we/I (?) believe something to be true but it turns to be much simpler or much more complicated and most importantly - completely different from the silly image my mind created. The moment of realization is... like an eternity forced to last only one minute, only one second. Holds no meaning (and holds too many of them), just saying.

~~Speaking~~ Typing about realizations...

Just now I got to know that Jae lives with Hyunjoong. Well, it's still labeled as a rumour but it has been confirmed by stalkers ( >> ) and there were some hints about living with a friend from Hyun on a talk show too (according to SS501 fans) so I guess it deserves a title a bit more honorific than "a rumour". That was a surprise. o.o Hearing about Jae living with his members would sure make me happier but I'm glad nevertheless. ^^ I mean - I feel relieved when I know that he's not somewhere alone drowned in depression from the current situation but shares a house with a dear friend that can talk to him, drink with him, encourage him, simply be with him instead. The only thing I'd wish for is for Hyun to take Jae as a best friend. I believe that it's the other way around at least - Jae takes Hyun as his best friend. I just really hate the idea of it being one-sided. I have become more conscious about Jae's related relationships in general recently. (I wonder if I'm ~~slowly~~ - using a speed of light - turning into one of those completely obsessed fans that are able spend their whole day thinking about how many calories had the lunch their beloved has eaten or about their beloved's socks color and so on...) That's because I realized a heartbreaking thing (heartbreaking for me, because I love him the most) - that he doesn't really have a best friend in the family. It's a common knowledge, it's visible but for an unknown reason, I have never been aware of it as in really aware, I have never thought about it - Yoochun and Jun-chan = best friends, Yunho And MinMin = best friends. Jae = ...?
No misunderstandings, the bonds between all five are incredibly strong and are equal to family if they haven't already gone even beyond that, but even though they are all close, YC & JS just like YH & CM will always be a millimeter closer to each other. Haha, it's so stupidly ironic that it actually goes along with my view of Jae, with the image of him I have in my head. (And I don't care about being affected by fanfictions and such because oh come on - even if it's a complete fiction, authors still write it based on real people - means their own impressions and feelings get involved in the story although they might not even realize it so there is still a tiny bit of truth in every lie.) A lonely person. Something about him makes me want to smile, makes me want to cry, makes me want to take, makes me want to give, makes me want to accept and makes me want to sacrifice. What I truly want for him is to find someone who will love him, truly truly love him just as much as he will love that someone back, or even slightly more. It can't be defined as simply as "loneliness" because of many factors and people being involved but the raw feeling itself... the feeling I believe to be lonely... I hope a true love will get rid of it for him. I want someone worthy to appear soon and make his life brighter, his soul happier. But... I don't even need to guess, I know it's not all so simple. It's not simple at all. Hah, sometimes I wonder if there are any simple things in this world whatsoever. Everything is way too confusing. Well, maybe that is what makes living miserable and a fun at the same time.

Well, night night. Let's be happy we don't have to desperately try to solve philosophy questions and live crisises in our sleep. Dreams take care of that for us. ^^;

always keep the faith ♥